Uh-huh. Suuuuuuuure, we can.
See, I had a plan. A plan and a list. And I was determined to stick to it. I was a woman on a mission.
Because here's the thing, I can need ONE thing in Walmart and walk out with a total of about 52 things. Not to mention that I endup spending probably 10 times more than what I had planned on spending. I have the same problem at Target.
I think they design their stores with people like me in mind.
OK, so back to Walmart. In the parking lot, before we even get out of the car, I assume my "tough" Mom voice and say, "OK, guys, we're only here to get a few things. I have a list (showing them the list) and I only want to get what's on it." And my beautiful little cherubs look at me with those innocent eyes and say, "Yes, Mama." My heart swoons. I love them so much.
My plan of attack was to go in through the garden center since I needed some things like potting soil and fertilizer for the palms that we have that are turning yellow and the crepe myrtles we have that are not blooming.
But that's another story and another frustration.
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| Seedlings pots and potting soil from Wally. One of our summer projects is planting herbs and veggies from seed. The herbs will make it, but the veggies will probably burn up in the summer sun, or because we forget to water them. Oh well... |
And wouldn't ya' know, right when we walk in, they had the nerve to set up a giant wooden playset. Honey, my kids were like a moth to a flame on that thing. Now, I'm never really sure about things like this. Is it acceptable for kids to go ape wild on playthings that are set up in a store? Do they really want random kids testing out these things or do they just set them up to whet the appetite of the kids so that they will BEG their parents and say things like "please, please, please, oh I will do anything if you will get that for me?" I choose to err on the side of it not being acceptable and after one slide each, made them get off.
Forward march, on to the list!
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| The list! See that last entry, the one that says "toys"? Yeah, I didn't write that. Savannah did. She was holding the list and asked me for a pen. Stinker! |
I led my babies right into the lion's den. I didn't know what was on that aisle. Yes, that's right, I'm the dumb bunny that took them down the clearance toy aisle. Man, you shoulda seen their eyes light up!
So after we thoroughly inspected and scoured the aisle to see what goodies might be waiting there for us, and after I repeated myself a dozen or so times that I was not committing to purchasing any toys, we finally were able to move on.
But not before my daughter managed to slip a paint-by-number set into the buggy.
Oh, alright, I'll admit it. She wore me down to the point where I said, "OK, put it in, but I'm still deciding whether or not I'm going to buy it for you."
She's sly, that one.
The other one, he was biding his time. He was looking for the good stuff, helicopters and planes.
By this point, we have killed approximately 30 minutes and I have only crossed TWO items off my list!
We make our way over to the cosmetics/hair stuff/toothpaste area. And as I'm examining the pros and cons of the various hand soaps offered (very important when you have a house with a revolving door to all the neighborhood kids as well as your own, trust me on this!), I make my selection and turn around to see my five year old son checking out the huge floor-to-ceiling display of, ahem, ladies' feminine hygiene products. He has even picked up a box of panty liners and is inspecting them like he is a detective-in-training!
All I can think is, "Please God, please God, please God DON'T let him ask me what these things are! I am sooooooooo not ready to try to explain the workings of the female body."
Using a tried and true tactic, I say, "Alrighty, kiddos, depending on your behavior here today, we can swing by the GIANT toy section, and maaaaaybe, depending on your behavior, you may each pick out something. Within reason. Not over five dollars." They're easy to please.
Ding, ding, ding! Mama said the magic words! Yippee! There may be a brand new toy in our future! They didn't say that, but the looks on their faces did.
And by the way, what is it about Walmart that attracts some really, really (1) rude, (2 ) ignorant, (3) strange, and (4) a little bit frightening people? Don't get me wrong, there are nice people there(I'm SURE there are), but theeeeeere's a lot of weird ones, too.
Let me just paint a little picture real quick---a buggy FULL of crap, 'cause you know that by this point I have thrown in waaaaaaay more stuff than I came in for, two rather large kids hanging on either side, and me, trying to navigate the aisles that seem to have one landmine after another.
PEOPLE---if you are shopping ANYWHERE with a buggy, DO NOT leave it smack dab in the middle of the aisle while you are off picking out your stuff!!!! And then, don't act like the kid that is moving your buggy outta the way so that her mom can get by is gonna steal your cart. 'Cause she ain't!
No lie. That happened to me.
A lady left her EMPTY shopping cart in the middle of the aisle, went around the corner, like she had abandoned her cart and then got all bent out of shape when she came back around the corner as my daughter was moving her cart over.
Like a six year old is gonna steal her stupid buggy. Newsflash---the six year old does not want your buggy!!!!! Trust me!
So, now we are a good 45 minutes into the shopping excursion. I have THREE things left to get. I'm thinking I can hightail it through the store because my girl's flip-flops were rubbing her and she has now decided to sit in the buggy on top of the potting soil. My little man can hop on and hold on to the buggy and with this new arrangement, I can put it into overdrive. I'll be done and out the door in an hour's time.
I didn't factor in bathroom time and toy section time. But I'll get to that in a minute.
Being the glutton for punishment that I am, and seeing as how we were at a Super Walmart with the groceries and all, I (foolishly) decide that I should zoom through the grocery aisles to pick up a few things.
But first we have to navigate to that side of the store. The conversation went a little something like this--
Me--Put that back, we're not getting it.
Sean--Is Savannah gonna get that thing she put in the buggy?
Me--I don't know.
Sean--Can I get something?
Savannah--Mama, go faster.
Me--Sean, don't touch that.
Savannah--Go down that aisle. Oooohhhh, look at all the flowers! (They were artificial flowers, but she doesn't care, she has a thing for any kind of flower.)
Me--Nope, we're not stopping. Gotta get outta here. Sean, come on buddy.
Sean--Mama, look! Cars 2 posters!
Me--Yep, we're not getting any. Let's go.
Savannah--Sean, let me see. Mama, let me out.
Me--Nope, come on. Let's go. Sean, I'm leaving you. Move it.
Sean--Savannah, look! Chocolate!
Savannah--Let me at it!
Me--Come on! Let's go. We're almost done.
You get the idea.
So, after what seemed like the longest walk in history, we made it to the grocery section
The paper goods section can only be described as a double decker wall of toilet paper and paper towels. If you've ever been to a Super Walmart, you'll know what I'm talking about. The upper shelf is tall enough for a kid to walk under and hide in the packages.
Which is exactly what my son did. I was about ready to kill him.
And he stayed there and stayed there and stayed there. Even as I was at the very end of the aisle calling his name over and over and saying that I am going to leave him, he STILL does not come out. I have that brief moment of "Holy crap! What if something happened to him? What if he went out the other side and somebody snatched him?"
And just as I am about to lose my you-know-what, he comes strolling out with his little cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on his face.
Breathe in, breathe out. Count to ten. Patience, please Lord, give me patience.
Well, the rest of the grocery expedition went rather smoothly, all things considered. We are on our way to the toy section, when I get "Mama, I really hafta go to the bafroom."
Really? Seriously? For real? OK, OK, lemme find it.
We get to the bathroom, park the cart and Savannah tells me that she will "just wait right here for you."
I. DON'T. THINK. SO. Young lady, you will get your shoes on, get out and come with us. These kids, I swear!
Now, my children are well educated on how germs work and why it's important to wash your hands, especially in a place like a public restroom. But they insist on touching every single surface in the restroom. They're probably just trying to give me a heart attack. So we all wash our hands, only to turn right around and wash them again since I see both kids run their hands over the bathroom wall. So gross.
Back at the shopping cart, the kidlets decide to switch places. After some juggling and shuffling around, we get moving and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. One quick (Ha!) stop at the toy section, we'll check out and be homeward bound.
The toy section. That glorious area where every kid glazes over and goes into a trance-like state of sheer bliss. I mean , this is hallowed ground for a kid. Their version of paradise.
Even though we had already been in the depths of shopping Hades for what felt like eternity, I wasn't going to rush my babes out of there. They needed a chance to look at everything, and they did. They had to take it all in and weigh their options before they made their selection. Besides, I had already popped open the bag of animal crackers and could munch on them while they looked. This was gonna take a while.
I'm smart about it, though. I know my kids, what they like. I steered him toward the aisle with the cars and trucks and (most importantly) the planes and helicopters. And lucky for me, there was a three dollar helicopter that he didn't have yet. Savannah was still sold on her paint-by-number set, we were DONE!!!!
But not before we swung by the pet section, picked out a new leash for our poochie, Dixie, who had chewed her old leash into pieces, and squeezed every noise making dog toy stocked by Walmart. Whew, NOW we're done and we can check out.
But not before the kids have to take turns making the automatic door to the garden area where I am going to check out open, which, not surprisingly, takes some time because a lot of people are coming and going. You see, they have to wait for the doors to completely close before they go running up to it, jump on the threshold, watch the doors open, and say, "Ta daaaaa!"
YES! I can SEE the checkout! We are almost there. At this point I WANT to give them my money just so that I can get home!
But not before the kids have to go down the slide on the wooden playset one more time and open and look at three or four grills that have been set up.
I MADE IT!!!!!! I am in the line to pay for my
By the time I got the kids loaded up, buckled in, got the bags in the car, parked the shopping cart, and got myself in the car and buckled, I realized that we had been there for ALMOST TWO HOURS!!!!! And we still hadn't eaten lunch! Only a few mouthfuls of animal crackers.
I was pushing my luck. There's nothing deadlier in nature than a tired and hungry kid.
I'll make the rest of this short because I think I am getting a little long-winded here.
We make it home without incident (miracle of miracles!) and I am inside the house dropping some bags off on the kitchen counter when I come back outside to my girl wailing and my boy going around the opposite side of the car in order to avoid the punishment that was coming his way. I can't believe that kid hasn't learned yet that there is no escaping Mama!
Apparently, Savannah was in the back, grabbing some bags when Sean decided to shut her head in the door. On purpose. Or so she says. He says it was on accident. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle.
But isn't that where the truth always lies?
So anyway, he gets sent off to his room indefinitely, she gets a kiss and a hug. She was fine. I'm sure it did hurt and it probably scared her, but she has a tendency to overreact a little, especially if she sees it's going to get her little "bother" in trouble. My little Drama Mama.
At this point, I am counting down the minutes until my husband is available to take over and supervise so that I may go get a cheap bottle of wine. I have a rule about wine--nothing over 10 dollars. You'd be surprised at how tasty (and therapeutic) a cheap bottle of wine can be.
And being the Bargain Betty that I am, I got the best deal going. TWO bottles of red on sale for 12 bucks with a coupon on each for 2 dollars off! That's right, ladies and gentlemen, 2 bottles of wine for, count 'em, EIGHT dollars! The wine gods were smiling on me.
It wasn't such a bad day after all.
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